Leaves.

How to maintain your Frontier 570

Step one. Pull a funny face. The Frontier 570 loves a good laugh, and pulling a face will no doubt get its processing componants warmed up.
Step two. Put on your kit. Frontier 570 Photo Printers are messy folk, full of ew yucky chemicals and fizzy stuff you dont even want to be introduced to. Goggles are essential, as Anna is demonstrating. Not only do they prevent the deathly 570 guts from getting in your eyes, they also make you look incredibly funny, which takes us back to step one.
Step three. Make origami boats and float them across the photochemicals. This will not amuse the 570, but it will demonstrate general prowess, because Origami is friggan hard.

If you follow these easy steps every time you service your 570, you will enjoy the process much more, as will the 570. Remember, photo printers have feelings too..

Heeeey I should be working!!

Anna of Troy and the chin that could launch a thousand ships.

And...uhm.. Sith Lord David Beckham. *feels uncomfortable*

Do you think my face will freeze this way if I hold it long enough? Sith Lord Beckham does. But then just look at him. His face is permenantly puckered. Your face would be permenantly puckered too, if you had to sleep with Sith Lady Posh Spice.

The Evil Villainess Fototech strikes again..

Is that David Beckham trying to be down with the dark side?

Friday the 16th.

Today, I came home from work with a strange head. Its been one of those days when weird stuff happens, stuff that moves you and leaves you thoughtful and sensitive to your surroundings. I turned on my computer, said hello to my cat, opened my email.

My grandfather has died, due to complications after heart surgery. I wont lie, I feel pretty raw about this. Anyone would. I think what bothers me the most isn’t his passing, it’s the fact that I found out in a Chain-Email from my Aunt … 3 days afterwards. For 5 mins I couldn’t concentrate, I tried to find my address book. Eventually my fingers worked and I managed to call my father. He said he hadn’t wanted me to worry. Well thank you..but.. This is my family. My grandfather is dead. I regret to tell you I know so little about him. He was a quiet man to me, because I was very rarely at family events and Im sure he had no dislike for me, we just shared no relationship. Im crying right now for my grandmother, who is the hardest woman I know. She, who shares my birthday, who I also didn’t know very much about for years until recently. Her husband of 62 years is now gone, and I cannot imagine how she can cope. I cannot imagine coping. But she is, I called her as well. She sounded weary. This is to be expected. I miss her. I told her I loved her very much. I don’t think I say it enough. Im sorry for that..

Im so fucking far away.

My dad told me I didn’t need to come, I didn’t need to change my plans for May/June. I understand his consideration here, but I want to be there. I know I cant really, and now that he’s told me basically to stay put, I feel as if Id be pushing my way in. Part of me is really sad that they felt a need to cover this up. Why wasn’t I told right away? Soon..after everyone can lift their heads again, Im going to have a sit down chat with my dad. It really hurts that they feel a need to buffer me from this, just because Im far away doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be told these things as everyone else in the family finds out. I found out in an email..sent to my aunts friends. How completely informal. I need him to know I don’t want it to ever be like that again. I do not want to find out, days or weeks after that my grandmother has passed away. And I will fight to come to the states in that event as well. I don’t care what he says.

Im rambling.


Anyways, I thought Id include the Obituary.




SIMON, Armott A. "Si" age 86, of Dayton, passed away Wednesday, March 13, 2007. Si was born on April 8, 1920 in Dayton to Joseph and Clara (Pour) Simon. He was preceded in death by his son Thomas on January 11, 1996 and his parents. He is survived by his wife of 62 years, Jean; his daughter, Sharon Horvath and her husband Joseph of Centerville; two sons, Terry Simon of Dayton and Tim Simon of Dayton; Six grandchildren Derrick, Kelly, Aaron, Aarika, Stacie, and Monica; nine great grandchildren; his great great grandson; his brother Robert J. Simon of Tipp City; and a host of other relatives and friends. Si was a 1938 graduate of Stivers High School, served in the U.S. Navy during WW II; and retired from W.P.A.F.B. after 30 years. Besides his family, one of Si's loves in life was golfing with his friends. Friends may call from 2-5:00 p.m. Sunday, March 18, 2007 at the TOBIAS FUNERAL HOME – FAR HILLS CHAPEL, 5471 Far Hills Avenue at Rahn Road. Prayers 9:15 a.m. Monday, March 19, 2007 at the funeral home with the Mass of Christian Burial 10:00 a.m. at Holy Angels Catholic Church, 218 K Street, Dayton. Memorial contributions may be made to the Miami Valley Down Syndrome Association, 1133 S. Edwin C. Moses Blvd., Suite 190, Dayton, Ohio 45408 or to the charity of your choice. Condolences may be made to www.tobiasfuneralhome.com

I wish I had known you better.

Love, your grandaughter Anna.

Channel Zero - Sophia and I.

A new species of leopard was declared today, and just in time for the Spring / Summer fashion shows. Hailing from the dark jungles of Borneo, the Clouded Leopard , which has been mistaken for the Southeast Asian leopard until now, has a gorgeous coat covered in small cloud markings containing many spots. And here to tell us all about this years new fashion statement is Pro Fur Campaigner Sophia Bullock.

I - ‘ Sophia, Welcome!’

SB - ‘Good Day and all that. Not a pleasant one, is it? Borish rain as always. ‘

I -‘ Ah yes, Britain. Land of Breezes. ‘

SB -‘ Pardon? ‘

I ‘ I said Britain, land of Breezes. You must have heard that before. (Sophia appears confused. ) The weather forecasters in this country can never seem to put their finger on what weather they should declare, its so ever changing, so they just say ‘Breezes.’ (Interviewer laughs dryly, tapering off as Ms. Bullock eyes them. )

SB - ‘ Oh I see. I misunderstood you. ‘

I - ‘I’m sorry, did I not speak up? ‘

SB - ‘ Nono, its just that you’re so common. For a moment I thought you were a trained monkey. ‘ (Sophia laughs in a posh manner. The interviewer’s smile has drifted. )

I - ‘ I… see. Moving on. ‘

SB - ‘ So dreadfully common. ( she laughs ) Yes, darling?

I - ( glaring at Sophia with contempt ) ‘ Today’s topic is the Borneo Clouded Leopard. But before we trudge into that jungle, could we have some background on yourself Sophia?

SB - ‘ Oh delightful! What would you like to know?’

I ‘ You’re a Pro Fur Campaigner. ‘

SB - ‘ Yes, quite. ‘

I - ‘ Can you elaborate on this? ‘

SB - (grinning) ‘ You’re so cute when you try to talk, did you know? Yes I promote the manufacture, buying, selling, trading and ultimately wearing of Fur, darling. ‘

I - ‘ That is a very controversial position to be in, isn’t it? ‘

SB - ‘ Oh I rather think its much worse for the furry beasties, don’t you think?’

I - ‘ Well Im sure..’

SB - (looking off into the distance and hugging her shoulders ) Its so cold lately, is it not? ‘

I - ( looking worriedly in the direction of Sophia’s gaze. ) ‘…Yes? ‘

SB - ‘ Going about with no skin and all…’

I - (disgusted) ‘ yes..uhm.. How long have you been campaigning Ms. Bullock?’

SB - ‘ Oh its one of those old family traditions, isn’t it. Mummy and Daddy were always avid fur buyers and wearers, as most of the Bullock bloodline have been, pretty much since the beginning. ‘

I - ‘ So your family actively promotes fur trade. ‘

SB - ‘ Its bloody business, I know. But we’re passionate about it. In fact, we go beyond most modern fur promoters. It isn’t enough for a member of the Bullock family line to merely Buy a fur piece. No it goes much farther than that darling. ‘

I - ‘Enlighten me. ‘

SB - ‘ We believe that to have the honour of wearing the fur, and it is an honour , dear, you must be willing to go out and hunt the beastie, kill it, skin it, feed its body to your children and then ultimately adorn yourself with its gorgeous fur. ‘

The interviewer stares at Sophia.

I - ‘ So your family hunts and butchers its own fur? ‘

SB - ‘ Oh quite. Always have. ‘

I ‘ And to think most families traditions are passing down beloved pieces of jewellery or journals. Things with emotional value. ‘

SB - ‘ Darling, we are quite emotional about our tradition. We take great pride in ourselves, going out into the jungle or forest. We make quite a bit do about it. Whole family gets involved. Even the tiny ones. ‘

I - (shivering) ‘ Even the tiny ones. ‘

SB - Last May my youngest niece, Elizabeth Megan Bullock went out and took down her own family of mink. She was so proud! ‘

I - ‘ A family of mink?’

SB - ‘ Oh tosh, you know nothing do you? You silly boy. Of course a family. One cannot make a coat out of a single mink. Yes, she went off and took out the entire clan of them. About 46 in all. She was mad with glee, running around hitting them with clubs. ‘ ( Sophia bounces in her seat. )

I - ‘ My..god. ‘

SB - ’ My darling, you are looking quite pale. Shall I fetch a nurse? ‘

I -‘ A bucket will suffice. ‘

SB - (laughing with dark joy) Oh, you Are dreadfully common Sir! ‘

I - ‘ I think we should go to station break.. Before we go, Sophia, can you give our listeners any ..jewels of Wisdom passed down from the Bullock Family… (winces in advance)

SB - ‘ Of course my dear. Our motto is quite simply the following.. ‘ The Family What Slaughters Together, Stays Together! ‘ (laughs poshly) Oh I say, you are positively green now.

Interviewer bends over side of chair and vomits.

SB - ‘ How really very vulgar! ‘ ( Sophia is amazingly amused by this ) ‘ We’ll be right back, shall we?’


Screen fades to black.

Disclaimer. No toffs were interviewed during this show. No mink families were slayed, and no vomit was actually induced. Any resemblance to actual persons you may or may not know is terribly funny, isn’t it?

Cold, Rain, and the morning news.

I’ve forgotten what warm feels like. Winter is dragging on and on, as if it is trying to give me a taste of what I’m missing at home in Wisconsin, Illinois, or Ohio. The weather folk say it will be even colder next week, and I blink at them. Why colder? Tell me its raining, tell me its foggy. Tell me you’re a nanny nation, but please don’t give me colder. Colder it will be. Its sodding March, I remind them. They take no notice. Which starts me thinking… it does get warmer in March, doesn’t it? Didn’t it? Ages ago. When I was a child and the week leading up to St. Patrick’s day was a sunny, green one. It wasn’t exactly warm out, but it was more like 65-70 degrees and so bright. When it rained, it was delightful and so fitting. The way the water sloshed down the street and threw itself casually upon the windows. It was beautiful. Now it is cold. Colder next week. The sun has fucked off. Wind is in fashion, blowing debris here and there and changing the sweet March rain, with its promises of honeysuckle and dandelion, into tiny daggers of half formed ice.

This weather discourages you from movement. You’d rather sit in your home than be out in it, even with your collar turned up against the elements. Or is that the British that make me feel this way? They really are a sad lot. I mean, I know I can be a pessimist, but it’s the artist in me. Ah, rain, shit, remorse for headless dandelions, ahh. Yeah, artistic. But this is more like. Drooooone…..English…..better get the kettle on…

In other News, the BBC newscasters are too cheerful. It feels like they are making fun of all England. I imagine between takes they laugh whorishly and poke midgets with sticks. But then, I have a very powerful imagination.

A child in Devon has hatched 2 ducklings from seemingly innocent duck eggs bought at her local grocery. We are given glimpses of the cute waddles of yellow, clasped gingerly by the child who, herself, is just a bit too cute. English children don’t look like that. I think she’s really French. That and she is far too comfortable with the camera; she must be a hired actress. Poor child. I bet those are stunt ducks too. Can you imagine stunt ducks.

I didn’t think you could.

Next on the news, people are spending far too much at children’s parties on Gift Bags. They give you an example. A foot long mass of toys and whatnot wrapped in pink cellophane. This costs 7 pounds 50, they say in a shocked tone. I shiver with anger ; I never received such goody bags in my youth. I was lucky if I got some bloody ice cream with my cake. What sort of world are we building? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against party going children having a few treats. It does help with the concept that the party is not About them, but attended by them and they will not be the centre of attention. That can be a struggle, with all the excitement and would be jealousy. But aren’t we building that jealousy factor even higher? Oh mum! Look at the goody bag what I got from Jim’s do! There’s a bloody Rolex watch in here. Oh and a bottle of sherry for you.

I’m bitter in the morning. My kids will get books in their goody bags. And they will have ice cream with their cake.

So cold this AM. Colder back home. I miss it though.

*toddles off to work*

10 questions.

10 random questions for Anna.

Q. Who is your hero?
A. I hate this sort of question, because I never feel I can answer. I don’t have a proper Hero, I have a number of human beings who have inspired me in my 28 years, but nothing so solid as to be deemed a Hero. I’d have to list them.

Hunter S Thompson is on that list. He’s always the first one off the top of my head. Francis of Assisi. Queen Elizabeth 1. Probably queen Victoria as well. Strong female figures. What a weird list, eh?

Q. What is something weird about you?
A. I like Danny Elfman. I really really do. I love his voice, I love the quirky stuff he does musically. Id like to pick at his brain for a while. I think this is weird, because I don’t know anyone who likes Danny Elfman. You bring it up in conversation, and its like, ’ Hey yeah I really like what Elfman does.’ And they are like..who? Or..God why. I’m sure there are people are out there who like him as much I just don’t know them personally, so it makes me feel out of the norm. The norm is pretty dull, I must say.

Q. What is your oldest tradition?
A. Drinking Dr. Pepper and eating pizza. Does it show? *looks at self* yeah…

Q. Tell us something you don’t normally admit to.
A. I like to put on music and throw myself around the house like a stunt girl. Id be a great sword fighting, body throwing, and possibly dancing stunt girl. I hurt myself sometimes, its funny.

Q. What are you afraid of?
A. Death. Spiders. Giant Squid.

Q. Question you’d ask God if you were face to face?
A. I only get one question? That’s rubbish. Uhm.. Id ask for my money back.

Q. Favourite Guilty Pleasure?
A. Too many. I suppose Id have to go for something with longevity, a long term mind numbing guilty, sinful, pleasure. Like the fact that I adore Rock me Amadeus by Falco. Seriously, isn’t that disgusting? Yeah. I wanted to have his babies. I also really like zombie films, anything with ridiculous
gore in it. Charming, arent I.


Q. Name something you don’t like about your family.
A. Ha. Well, I don’t really dislike anything. Family isn’t something you can categorize so simply, being so many individualistic personalities packed together. Id probably say I don’t like it when large numbers of my family start buying me the same thing, like when I was younger they all bought me Unicorns, and you just wanted to rip your hair out after a while. Yes, I like unicorns. I also like other things, please ask me about them.

Q. What don’t you like about yourself physically?
A. The fact that gravity affects it. And I have dry skin. And weird feet. And really you shouldn’t ask a girl these sorts of things. And I look boyish. And young, too young. Like a cherub. I did warn you.

Q. What do you love about yourself?
A. I have a crazy, addictive laugh. I’ve got Anime eyes. I’ve got a great back, very muscular. My imagination is vast. I dream in colour. I used to write poetry, but I stopped that because it wasn’t entertaining anyone, especially me, but at least I could do it, and I appreciate that. I can sing. I can play piano and a bit of harp and a bit of dulcimer, and a bit of ethnic drums, and the spoons. Clever that, playing the spoons. I like that I talk to myself in 3rd person, it keeps the boredom at bay. I like that my cat thinks I’m a cat, or maybe he thinks he’s human. Either way, we’re best friends. I’m open minded, I feel, I breathe.

This interview has been brought to you by the supporters of introspective interrogation, commonly referred to as talking to oneself in the third person. If you'd like to learn more about this process, or you feel offended by the act of introspective interrogation, please put a brown paper bag over your head and 
repeat the following : I need to get out more. I need to get out more. I need to get out more. Anna needs to get out more.

If you'd like to make a contribution to the Anna Needs to Get Out More fund, please send check or cash to her home address. Soon.

B-B-B

Ive always been a great fan of British Drama and Comedy. Probably my earliest memories are of Dr.Who, Fawlty Towers, Monty Python , Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and eventually Red Dwarf, Big Train, Space, and Blunder. There is a lot to be offered here in the UK, though you do have to wade thru a lot of rubbish to get to it. Id like to focus on just a singular individual here, for those of you who may not have previous experience with Brit Comedy. About 3 years ago I was introduced to a tv series (which was already off air by the time I got to it, figures.) called Blackbooks. Blackbooks is a charming piece of brit-com which I really am not even going to try to explain to you here, it is just too good. Not only does it star Dylan Moran, the most bittersweet Irishman on the planet, but it also has Bill Bailey, who is a friggan genius musician/comedian/actor.

So I present to you the Bill Bailey Block. 3 of my favourite BB skits, scrounged off of Youtube, the land of magical happenings and strange oddities. Enjoy.

Love. Rural style.

As I was roaming about on one of the model sites Im on, I spotted the following link and honestly felt inclined to check it out. Ill explain why.

http://www.countryside-love.co.uk/

Now, my curiosity perked up only because I think its the strangest thing Ive seen ( without looking for such oddities) in a long while. And to be connected to a rather dull modeling site? Odd. Anyways, I clicked and laughed. I shouldnt laugh, really. Country people need love too. Hyuck.

I know what you're asking yourself. Why should you join Countryside-love.co.uk? What possible reason could you have? Well the folks there at CL.co.uk have done a roundup of 10 ( yeah 10 whole reasons) you should JOIN thier website. This I had to see, so off I went.

Reason No.1 - There are 238 People online RIGHT NOW. Yeah, right now as I write this. Woo! 238 tree loving, countryside roaming, stream crossing lonely people.

Reason No.2 - It's Britains only dedicated dating website for country folk. Yeah..country folk.

Reason no. 3 thru 10( because this is rubbish copying them all down) can be condensed into the following :  You can discuss countryside issues in the chatroom, you can hang out with people from rural communities, you can chat to people who share your interests ( duh. ) You can find a partner! Make new friends! ( can I say duh again? thanks. ) Find others in your town who like to escape into nature for holidays and whatnot ( and possibly ritualised burnings of city types) Oh and just in case you thought this was some archaic dating site where you tap out your love notes on morse code or make smoke signals, please feel content in knowing that Countryside-love.co.uk uses advanced dating technology and has great customer service!

Countryside-love.co.uk is a safe, discreet and secure website - Subscribe Today!


Are you feeling the tree love? You bet your ass I am. Im sorry if I come across as bitter, this is just how I typically handle these situations. Im probably jealous on some level, of these country folk and thier would be love. Its just so..would camp be a poor description? heh.

Good luck to all of you who may find love amongst the trees, lakes and grassy areas of UK.  You might need it.

this post has been enriched with vitamin A, E and C for your reading pleasure!

BW randomness.

I honestly cannot remember where I took this, I know its..oh wait, just remembered. This is the Imperial War Museum - North, which is in Salford Quays. Its a very strong building, they call it the Shard, as it is meant to look like pieces of debris from the wars... like picking up the pieces and building anew, but never forgetting the foundation of that need to move on. Never forget, that is the point.