A new species of leopard was declared today, and just in time for the Spring / Summer fashion shows. Hailing from the dark jungles of Borneo, the Clouded Leopard , which has been mistaken for the Southeast Asian leopard until now, has a gorgeous coat covered in small cloud markings containing many spots. And here to tell us all about this years new fashion statement is Pro Fur Campaigner Sophia Bullock.
I - ‘ Sophia, Welcome!’
SB - ‘Good Day and all that. Not a pleasant one, is it? Borish rain as always. ‘
I -‘ Ah yes, Britain. Land of Breezes. ‘
SB -‘ Pardon? ‘
I ‘ I said Britain, land of Breezes. You must have heard that before. (Sophia appears confused. ) The weather forecasters in this country can never seem to put their finger on what weather they should declare, its so ever changing, so they just say ‘Breezes.’ (Interviewer laughs dryly, tapering off as Ms. Bullock eyes them. )
SB - ‘ Oh I see. I misunderstood you. ‘
I - ‘I’m sorry, did I not speak up? ‘
SB - ‘ Nono, its just that you’re so common. For a moment I thought you were a trained monkey. ‘ (Sophia laughs in a posh manner. The interviewer’s smile has drifted. )
I - ‘ I… see. Moving on. ‘
SB - ‘ So dreadfully common. ( she laughs ) Yes, darling?
I - ( glaring at Sophia with contempt ) ‘ Today’s topic is the Borneo Clouded Leopard. But before we trudge into that jungle, could we have some background on yourself Sophia?
SB - ‘ Oh delightful! What would you like to know?’
I ‘ You’re a Pro Fur Campaigner. ‘
SB - ‘ Yes, quite. ‘
I - ‘ Can you elaborate on this? ‘
SB - (grinning) ‘ You’re so cute when you try to talk, did you know? Yes I promote the manufacture, buying, selling, trading and ultimately wearing of Fur, darling. ‘
I - ‘ That is a very controversial position to be in, isn’t it? ‘
SB - ‘ Oh I rather think its much worse for the furry beasties, don’t you think?’
I - ‘ Well Im sure..’
SB - (looking off into the distance and hugging her shoulders ) Its so cold lately, is it not? ‘
I - ( looking worriedly in the direction of Sophia’s gaze. ) ‘…Yes? ‘
SB - ‘ Going about with no skin and all…’
I - (disgusted) ‘ yes..uhm.. How long have you been campaigning Ms. Bullock?’
SB - ‘ Oh its one of those old family traditions, isn’t it. Mummy and Daddy were always avid fur buyers and wearers, as most of the Bullock bloodline have been, pretty much since the beginning. ‘
I - ‘ So your family actively promotes fur trade. ‘
SB - ‘ Its bloody business, I know. But we’re passionate about it. In fact, we go beyond most modern fur promoters. It isn’t enough for a member of the Bullock family line to merely Buy a fur piece. No it goes much farther than that darling. ‘
I - ‘Enlighten me. ‘
SB - ‘ We believe that to have the honour of wearing the fur, and it is an honour , dear, you must be willing to go out and hunt the beastie, kill it, skin it, feed its body to your children and then ultimately adorn yourself with its gorgeous fur. ‘
The interviewer stares at Sophia.
I - ‘ So your family hunts and butchers its own fur? ‘
SB - ‘ Oh quite. Always have. ‘
I ‘ And to think most families traditions are passing down beloved pieces of jewellery or journals. Things with emotional value. ‘
SB - ‘ Darling, we are quite emotional about our tradition. We take great pride in ourselves, going out into the jungle or forest. We make quite a bit do about it. Whole family gets involved. Even the tiny ones. ‘
I - (shivering) ‘ Even the tiny ones. ‘
SB - Last May my youngest niece, Elizabeth Megan Bullock went out and took down her own family of mink. She was so proud! ‘
I - ‘ A family of mink?’
SB - ‘ Oh tosh, you know nothing do you? You silly boy. Of course a family. One cannot make a coat out of a single mink. Yes, she went off and took out the entire clan of them. About 46 in all. She was mad with glee, running around hitting them with clubs. ‘ ( Sophia bounces in her seat. )
I - ‘ My..god. ‘
SB - ’ My darling, you are looking quite pale. Shall I fetch a nurse? ‘
I -‘ A bucket will suffice. ‘
SB - (laughing with dark joy) Oh, you Are dreadfully common Sir! ‘
I - ‘ I think we should go to station break.. Before we go, Sophia, can you give our listeners any ..jewels of Wisdom passed down from the Bullock Family… (winces in advance)
SB - ‘ Of course my dear. Our motto is quite simply the following.. ‘ The Family What Slaughters Together, Stays Together! ‘ (laughs poshly) Oh I say, you are positively green now.
Interviewer bends over side of chair and vomits.
SB - ‘ How really very vulgar! ‘ ( Sophia is amazingly amused by this ) ‘ We’ll be right back, shall we?’
Screen fades to black.
Disclaimer. No toffs were interviewed during this show. No mink families were slayed, and no vomit was actually induced. Any resemblance to actual persons you may or may not know is terribly funny, isn’t it?
