Eurovisionary

It’s raining, dispassionately I should add, as it has done since sometime last week. I say sometime, because this rubbish weather has gone on so long I actually cant remember when the skies broke. That and, this is Britain. Land of breezes and mists. 

And sore losers.

You may or may not have heard about the recent Eurovision Song Contest. This 50 some year old institution is still going strong, delivering the best of the worst euro-pop/rock/etc out there, as Europe battles for the illustrious prize…of hosting it the following year. No, they don’t get money. They do get a shiny award to put on their hearth, but the big deal is hosting it next year. For some countries, this is a bit much to handle. Hence, why Ireland has been purposely losing for years now, after they had a string of wins. They simply cannot cope with the cost of self promotion as well as putting up all the Eurovision fans and contestants. That and Im sure they cant be bothered at all. The bigger countries, UK, Greece etc, seem to really not take it seriously, probably because they don’t actually need the publicity, while the smaller countries pour their little hearts and souls into whatever act they put up. This results in a mixed bag of talent, from the lacking in said talent to the blow you away kind. it’s a fun night, and realistically I think everyone involved just tries to enjoy it, especially since no one even WANTS the prize. ( well some countries don’t)

Last year, the first year I got to watch the Eurovision, it was hosted in beautiful Greece. In between acts, the host country offers up Tourist Type mini films boasting about whatever it is they have going for them, and why you should consider flocking to their shores. Greece bored the hell out of me, I have to be honest here. But this is only because living in the UK, you cannot escape such drudgery. Its always, come to Greece, come see Malta, have you been to Spain? Blah blah blah. So yeah, I snored thru the mini’s with Greece. Finland won it in 2006, which blew everyones minds, not only because it was hugely unexpected, but because the winning entry was a Goth/Rock band called Lordi who come unto stage in monster outfits inspired by Evil Dead, with pyrotechnics pouring from their guitars and keyboards. Are you ready to rock? They certainly were.

When Eurovision came around this year, I admit I bounced a bit. I love Eurovision, Im a geek. Its my sort of thing. It helps that I adore weird euro-cultural music, and the contest is bursting with it. I didn’t know what to expect of it this year, as Finland was hosting - but let me tell you, I have never wanted to go to a country so badly, having now seen it. What a gorgeous, elusive, and down to earth country! Oh and there is that gothy-industrial-circus-magic aspect lol. True to form, Finland's entry this year was a stunning and statuesque raven haired woman named Hanna, who seemed to be taking on an Evanescence muse and delivering it red hot to those watching. She was hot, yeah. Song was catchy, well sung, music very clean. Well done Finland. There weren’t as many good contestants this year, just a handful did it for me, which is ok. In no order, my favourites were -

Ukraine - who boasted a cross dressing glitter-Nazi named Verka Serducha, who bopped around the stage with more silver clad boys, and sang probably the catchiest song of the evening, Dancing Lasha Tumbai. They get full points for Weird Factor.

Serbia ( who won ) - was a gorgeous albeit butch woman called Marija, who delivered a powerful love ballad aptly named Molitva ( Prayer ). While they didn’t have a tremendous stage act, just girls in suits and a good song, I think they deserved to win, it would have been down to Ukraine and Serbia in my own mind, and that’s basically where the contest went in the end.

France - Honestly, my favourite song. Group called Les Fatals Picards, and their song L’amour a la Francaise was terribly cute, very French, and sticks in your head like having just seen your Auntie naked. Act itself wasn’t nearly as clever as it could have been, but overall a very good entry.

There were others I enjoyed. Bulgaria, Georgia, Macedonia.

The very worst of the evening? I close draw between UK, who put forth probably the most sickeningly sweet, and yet tasteless entry, and Ireland. Yeah, Ireland (who would have guessed…) who..actually made me feel sorry for the entire country. Why? I realise that you’re not trying to win, Ireland, I realise you don’t have the funds to host next year. But you are a country of musicians, artists and poets. The least you could have done was sing in tune, and in time to the music. That is NOT too much to ask. You wouldn’t have shook up too many people, I can assure you. This woman singing for Ireland..well first of all, I couldn’t understand a word she was saying, and no..before you ask, she wasn’t speaking Gaelic. Basically, Ive heard better drunkan karaoke. I was really disappointed. Now back to UK. This song, unfortunately, I could understand every word of. It was eye popping and jaw dropping. Jaw dropping in the sense of…does Britain ever expect anyone to take them seriously again? This is 2 years running that UK has put out some rubbish cheese act which blows all the cross dressers and hip rollers right out of the place. It was rubbish, with rubbish piled on top, with some rubbish on the side. Oh and some more rubbish. I felt guilty watching it, thinking to myself..oh yeah, I’m living in cheesey brit land arent I. Hang your head in shame, Britons. No, do it.

Then again, at least you sang in tune.

So I turn on the tele this morning. Its been a couple days, the daily news show Breakfast is on, and voila - who is on but UK’s entry, Scootch. ( Yeah..scootch) They do a rewind of the show, and sulk a bit because..my dear readers.. England ended up with only 2 countries voting for it. Malta ( a bit of thanks from those tourist boards, Im thinking) and Ireland. Ireland and UK were the two lowest. ( Ireland got 5 whopping big points..Im thinking this was generous) And so here was Scootch, sat on the Breakfast couches, sulking..no worries there. What pissed me off was when they started talking crap about Serbia and saying the whole show is fixed, blah blah blah. Oh my god UK! You’re such poor losers! If you wanted to get higher on that list, you should have put out some actual talent, rather than flashing your cheeky Scootches for all the world to vomit about. They were revolting, it’s a wonder we got any points at all. You were rubbish, Scootch, deal with it. How vile.

Let me just show you how horrible this Scootch was.



*shudders*

*shudders more*

Sorry I need to recompose myself now. That was rubbish, cheeky, disgusting, and just..blegh. You deserved to lose, Uk.